Inner Wisdom

Once there was a young girl that had her own thoughts of how she saw the world.  She didn't take other's believes as her own nor did she see the colors of the world like others did.  She was told she was stubborn and argumentative but that didn't stop her from following her own inner wisdom.  She was told that she was like a "grumpy old lady" but she did not agree with that.  She had her opinions and felt she had the right to find her own voice.  Remembering the words that she heard from elders that God gives us "Free Will" so why she wondered did adults feel that it did not include her just because she was a child?  Her thoughts and opinions mattered and deep inside she knew it matter to God.  Even though she was a kid she knew she was important and also were her ideas as well as being herself.
This kid if you have not figured it out yet was me, who when I was a child I believed in following the voice inside me even if others disagreed.  If answers received did not make sense to me as a kid, I voiced it and challenged their reasoning as well as the beliefs that they followed.  Somehow when I got older I started not to listen to my inner guidance and started questioning my weird sense of feelings, also known as "gut feelings".  In the time that we are trying to understand what our bodies are going through, the different sensations we are experiencing and the feeling that no one understands what you are really going through, you get lost in what to really believe in.  How can we really then trust what our "inner wisdom" is trying to really point out in our life, when all we can think about is where we want to be and with whom.  Then you have your parents making suggestions on which road you need to take and the type of person who you should look for that will be good spouse material.  Slowly the ideas and self worth you had as a kid is substituted for "the correct way to be in society".  The inner voice gets quieted and ignored while other's advises start taking precedence over your own opinions.

When I had the "gut feelings" when meeting someone new they were categorized by others as me being judgmental or to quick to come to a prediction without the facts.  Adults are to be understanding, forgiving, give people second chances and learn from other's mistakes was the assumption given to me.  That may work for some people but it doesn't work for everyone, my personality for one goes to the extreme in being understanding and me giving 2nd, 3rd and even 4th chances expecting the person to change.  As a soul that has been destined to guide and help others, as I felt that it was a mission I have had in previous lifetimes, (will discuss this further in a future post so subscribe to my blog so you don't miss it) the inner voice gets dismissed and sympathy sets in and want to fix other's problems.  There was also the case that I did not want people to feel I was crazy in my beliefs coming from a Catholic background this subject was not touched upon nor ever discussed.  Of course I will find out later in my life that there were many relatives that have special gifts that are not what is considered "normal".  There was no one to guide me of course and as my gifts are not the same as my relatives, I just considered this feeling as just not being attracted to the person of the opposite sex, I thought he just really isn't my type.  Not really trying to find the reasons why and just trying to fit in.  Being a camilion changing my colors to fit in my surroundings so I can be who and what other's wanted me to be.  This of course kept extending in my relationships and it was my main goal to please others losing myself in the process.  As my desires were to be a housewife and have around four kids, this was the goal I was working towards so being someone else to make that person interested in marrying me was not a big task for me, so I thought at the time.  Problem was that I settled for the first one to take notice thinking I was running out of time, for all my friends and relatives my age and younger were getting married.

The first marriage ended in divorce and here started the feeling of failure.  Not only was the marriage misleading but the "gut feeling" was ignored and what I felt would happen, did.  But one question I asked myself years later, "was it really a failure or was it a lesson"?.  This did take me some years to contemplate and searching within to find the answers.  I started reading self-help books and started watching the Oprah show there I realized I was not alone and words of guidance that one should always trust your inner self and that the feelings inside of you even when it does not make sense at the time do mean something for it is an inner alarm system.  As a child I trusted this inner wisdom for children seem to have this "inner alarm system to follow" so they are more receptive to it there is no second guessing due that you don't want to offend someone.  Children do not have filters they speak what is in their minds whether the person wants to hear it or not so when corrected this is where we start to then question our inner wisdom.  Unfortunately we do lose that as we start getting older even as kids for we are taught to be proper to fit into society.  Parenting is difficult you want kids to be respectful, nice and helpful to others even strangers, so one does the best we can.  In my generation the saying always was (thank God my parents gave me lead way on this) "children should be seen but not heard" so the inner wisdom as well as our voice was made silent.  We go through so many stages in our life and in a future post I will discuss the different stages in childhood.
**(feel free to add any input on that in the comments)
The choices I made without listening to my inner wisdom, even though I went through some hard times, it brought lessons for me to learn.  How quickly and thoroughly I learn from them that was my choice  The main lesson that was given to me was the strength that was there inside of me.  The strength that is really inside of all of us.  Learning from other's stories personally and from guality talk shows, it is amazing the situations that people have gone through that were in my opinion, unimaginable that anyone could survive that should just be rewarded.  Do we want to go through these experiences and lessons?, of course not but as my niece said to me a few years ago, "Don't regret your past for it has made you who you are today!"  She amazes me so much am 25 years older then her but at times I feel she's the wise more experienced one.  Talk about an "old soul"  she states that she has learned the most from me which of course made me feel awesome but honestly that's all her!  Both my niece and nephew have been like my children and if that's anyone that I ever envied it was their parents.  God did bless me anyways with having them in my life and now I have two other great souls through my second marriage and that is my "ex-husband's" kids.  When I started reflecting on my past adventures (life is an adventure) really looking deep within, there is the truth.  The first step is to decide "Can you handle the Truth" as Jack Nicholson said in "A few good men".

That had to be the hardest step for me and honestly still working on it for that is where the real lesson is and the key to figuring out why we act as we do.  As I mentioned before as "past life" are part of my belief system this is one thing I have researched and am studying which has lead me to do readings on myself and my niece.  We were amazed at the results and I will discuss it in a future post!  Going back to working on the truth as there are a lot of material to be covered this can be overwhelming, it was for me.  Some people can do it easily, for me whenever it gets close my safe haven is to push it away and focus on another project mainly someone else.  Life (God) has a really funny way of making you deal with it cause for me here came husband #2 and same thing as with the first one those gut feelings showed up and here I go again it was pushed aside thinking that a relationship was not what I preferred cause he wasn't really my type of guy.  Of course there were others I met because of him which were his kids and some great friends that I met through him.  My niece met and married his son so that is awesome, but why did I still make the same mistakes, that was due that I did not learn the lessons from the first marriage!  Once again I felt like a failure and this time feeling stupid that the same mistakes were done.  I lost a piece of myself with him so I became someone I was not and acted that why with my family as well.  For during the entire marriage all the signs given to me and my "inner wisdom" literally screaming at me I dug myself deeper into a hole that I just had no idea how to get out of it.  So praying to God there was a saying that I remembered "Let go and let God", so I did and within a few weeks he answered my ex informed me he was leaving due to personal reasons.

The message I received from "inner wisdom" as well as my guides  "you have lost your way, you need to take a leap of faith then you will find yourself".  The best route to have taken was to work on those issues and find the reason why the same situation occurred, of course that was the correct path yet once again the feelings were pushed aside and I started losing weight without really working on it so that became my main goal.  As the message I was given was confusing to me so it was easier to push it aside and work on my outer being so therefore the inner being was put on the shelf for the future.  The exercise was wonderful my body felt great and had more freedom, loved the image in the mirror so my self esteem was great and this was a great accomplishment, so why then was I suffering from extreme high blood pressure.  My lab work were great and the doctors baffled so it came up about my stress level and the separation was mentioned of course my doctor told me you need to do meditation this will be what will help you for your diet is great the lab work shows that so it is all internal emotions.  This message was not the first one for my inner wisdom was repeating it over and over.  You know that nudging feeling we get that there is something we have to work on for ourselves like "relax, take a deep breath, don't get so upset, this is not about you, etc....".  The answers I already knew there was just an obstacle in the way which was of course "me"!  My solution was o.k. instead of meditating I will purchase these sets from speakers that were on "webinars", books from watching the Oprah show and so on and so on.  I have so many supplies that I can start my own "Self Improvement" course/club.  In the beginning things were going well but then when the "truth" was getting closer there was my attention going into another project.  Then there was the feeling that "am just a scattered brain and can't focus" so thinking that fate (the universe = God) will show me the way and I just dropped those projects.  Wondering if "God" is saying "how many blocks need to fall on her head before she gets it", this I wondered myself.  If you ever wondered this yourself, then know you are not alone!

There is so much information that we are blessed with it is an infinite supply from the universe that God supplies to us we just have to open our minds, eyes and ears to  find them.  It feels we are not listening for now it seems there is more confusion, distraught and worse of all stressed out form "life"!  Time seems to keep slipping away from us that we feel that we just can not get it all done in one day.  There is nothing written that it all has to be all done in one day.  This thought keeps being engraved in my head and listening to others for them as well.  So what does my "inner wisdom" say?....,
"seek the truth and you will find it, do not look outside yourself, you will only find false truths, look inside you there behind the web of lies, the key is hidden, open the door there you will find the truth"!
The part that had me more confused was the "not to look outside myself"  for my first conclusion was it meant that not to look for outside sources to help and guide me.  That was not it the meaning of it was not to look outside myself to place blame.  Don't blame time, family, friends, relationships, money or work.  The caring you give for your family is great but don't use it as an excuse.  Know that God sends us all "Guardians" to protect and look after all of us.  We can be there for them but don't use it as the reason to push your problems aside, it is easier helping others and fixing their problems instead of our own.  Of course there is our working hours and this needs to be done to pay the bills, but if we don't care for ourselves physically as well as the inner self our body will eventually give out (gets sick).  My thoughts are when your body is unwell that it is the body's cry for help, asking one to slow down and work within.  This is not something that needs to be done alone, so seek help with friends, family or professional if needed.

We are God's servants so all of us matter, our opinions, thoughts and feelings needs to have a voice.  The main thing we all must do is listen, listen, listen to your inner wisdom for no matter which road you take the destination is more important, detours will happen but what you learn from them is just as relevant as the destination!  Whatever obstacles appear in your path they need to be removed so what journey that you need to follow will be made clear to you.  God blessed me with a wonderful, beautiful and patient niece that has and always will be my life's compass.  She gears me in the right direction when I seem to lose my way.  Let me be that compass for you and help you to start your journey on the path of "self-discovery", so comment below what you would like to share and let us all be each others guiding light.

Sending you Love and Blessings through our Lord Jesus Christ.