Poem & Post: The Chain that keeps me in a “Self-Sabotaging” Prison….

Poem:

     The Chain that keeps me in a “self-sabotaging” Prison

There is a chain wrapped so tightly around my neck that with every movement seems only to feel tighter and tighter leaving me gasping for air

So many times it loosens up feeling as though I was almost to be set Free, to then later feel another layer of that chain wrapped once more around my neck

Wrestling with the chain and trying to find a weak link, again with every choice I make it only seems to grasp me tighter again

This chain bears all my years of pain, each link the tears that streamed down my face

Stronger I became with the passing of time yet those binding links have not yet weaken

The strength arises in times of good deeds but there it pulls me again as a reminder am just as lost as before

When was the first link created is the responses that are given to met, yet will those painful memories actually be the key

The traveling back in time to find an answer that has been hidden for so long

Will it solve this puzzling pattern that keeps following me

The length of my chain is long enough for me to feel some freedom

Yet when I get closer to that light the pull is so strong that trapped again I become

The light is further now then it was before and all the scraps that has been gathered once again someone takes from me

There in the distance words keep passing by for comfort it does bring

When I look back then there is the chain not allowing me to be free

Once more I grasp at the chain with all the strength that I can spare, yet only one link has given way

There in the midst seeking for answers to appear but none come for no questions has yet been given

What can be so difficult a question to ask that yet my mind seems to block a part of that past

No answers can come to be when one knows not the question they so desperately seek

Once more the chain tightens as if reminding me that those questions will be what sets me FREE

There I wait for the time that facing the past without the fear of realizing the truth that has been hidden even from me

This chain that keeps me from grasping the reality that belongs to me

Instead there is this life that I want to be set free from yet it seems to keep lingering

Where can I turn towards now when there is till no weak point that I have found in this chain that binds me

Fear that this chain will continue to keep me in this self-sabotaging prison with no date of release

Once more the faith will continue to be inside of me for I will break that chain binding me

The day will soon come when the answers will appear for the question will arise so I can set myself Free

Written by:     Maria Elena Padron on April 27, 2023

Post:   

 

 The Chain of a “Self-Sabotaging” Prison

What is your chain and where do you feel it on your body?  Will it be around your wrist, your feet, your waist, your neck or around your head?  How does it feel for you and have you been able to break it then find yourself tied again?  Now of course we are speaking of it in a metaphorical sense and not in the “bondage” type for that is a whole different story and those are undone and not kept for long just for play. The chains that is the topic is of course mainly the thoughts, ideas, concerns, and self-images that we create in our lives from the results of past trauma.  Now the word “trauma” seems to be dark and can also vary in so many different ways, yet what they all have in common is that it was an unexpected and non-controlling event.  Even when one may have prepared oneself for it, still the feelings of not being aware of the occurrence can still linger and cause a form of guilt.  No matter whose life it may be we all experience our own form of trauma and none are more understandable or has a higher rank then another.  It is ours and at times it can occur to more then just one person from the same occurrence, but those can be worse for then there is that game your mind may play with the comparison game.  For example the questions that may arise like for example; “ they experienced  the same so how can they just move on and I still feel it stronger then before an my life is a mess”???!!!  One answer is; how do you know how their life really is, just because they don't show it does not mean that it is all fine for they may just be able to hide it from the world but they are actually breaking down inside.  As we are all unique we will handle the situations in life very differently from one another there is no right or wrong way, we just need to process things the best way we know how.  Why do I see it as a “self-sabotaging” prison?  It is because it is just that, whenever one feels trapped in a “comfort zone” one will be in what the “mind”may interpret as a “safe zone”.  The trauma is a memory of how one perceived the situation to be depending on how we have experienced and learned life to exist.  Everything has to do with one’s family, culture, status, and how our peers view situations in life.

  The questions one will ask is really the main key in helping one in breaking that chain and will help one to plan for a better escape.  If there is no truth there is no freedom, if there is no awareness there is no closure.  I have heard of a saying or maybe it was one of my many thoughts; “one can not fix what one does not know is broken”.  For example if there is a leak you cannot repair it or stop it if you are not even aware of the leakage and once noticed you still need to look for the cause of it.  One’s memories and thought process works in the same way, if we are not aware of what’s causing this chain to occur then we can not find the way to break free from it.  The bad results in life are the “leaks” and to stop it one then needs to find where and how to repair it.  Just as they do with computer analysis on cars to see what needs to be noticed on a maintenance scale or repairs that needs to be required quickly.  If these occurrence are not taken care of in a timely manner it may cause other more addressing problems on the car and with the human body both mental and physical it works in the same way.  So our actual life experiences and choices that one has can cause havoc if we all have internal clocks or alarms (signs) that the human body will create to grasp our attention for if ignored then it will cause an effect that can be endless.  Our brain will do what it needs to so it will keep the body in Homeostasis (balance) so it stalls (not repair) when it notices that certain emotions (negative ones)  are causing stress in your body that it is causing the fire to keep getting larger and stronger.  When this occurs the brain automatically will block the certain memories from arising but it is still there.  So when there is  the emotions that are related to discomfort the brain (depending on the severity of that memory) it will trigger that memory even if you can not recall the situation which normally results in severe pain or injuries depending where in the body you normally hold the stress and if the emotions that are related to that memory we negatively give a response as to pour some water into the flame avoiding it to become out of control but not necessarily turning it off.  This is where the chain starts getting tighter while adding more links to that chain with an added memory.  The new memory lays on top of that previous memory as it keeps pushing that initial trauma memory deeper and deeper so that the core cause of your current situation or outburst in whatever form it takes mainly in the signs of addiction, are being hidden.  The deeper that the core memory gets the deeper you will need to shovel (search). This is where the chain starts getting tighter while adding more links to that chain with an added memory.  The new memories start to mix in with the older memories hidden and pushed down deep inside of us making it more difficult to recognize.  Then one’s emotions can get clouded believing that one is really angry or upset from the current situation when honestly it is the actual traumatic memory that  will abruptly surface which is the brain’s way of bringing attention to that memory.  This is also the reason that addictions can happen and one doesn’t really understand why we are pulled in that direction when we know of the damages that can and will occur.  The deeper that core memory gets the deeper you will need to shovel (searched) to be able to slowly bring it to surface and work on it layer by layer.  There is a possibility that some of us can recognize it but unfortunately the majority of us do not for this is a form of “soul-searching” and it can be a very painful journey.  

As a Spiritual Consultant, Energy Light Worker, and Life Coach the main rule is not to force the body, mind and spirit further than it is prepared to process to not overload the client with emotions and information.  This process some of us (including myself) have tried to do oneself’s emotional work due to either the stigma that goes with “mental health” as well as finically inclined so walls go up and the desire to fix it goes down.  If you ask yourself the questions, if you can afford other items that are not really necessary then and start rearranging your priorities by cutting down the non necessary purchases and save enough for helpful sessions then the excuses will cease.   When you develop excuses on how to not receive assistance then you are developing fears of what the outcome may be.  The main thing is to be honest with ourselves and come to the actual awareness that not fixing these trapped emotions and if it is not fixed sooner just like that leak if not fixed in time it will turn into a flood.  If finances are an issue then there are support-groups that one can take so one can start digging especially with religious groups like with the ministers or priests that provide consultations usually free or small donation.  The main objective is to find a group or person that can assist you in this journey of helping you start breaking those links in that “self-sabotaging” chain that is keeping you it’s prisoner.  There are NO quick fixes, hexes or prayers to assist one to break you free from that chain so one’s first step is to do that inner work of self-healing.  

The reasons on why you are creating this chain that ends up keeping you from your goals and life desires those are the answers that are the keys needed in breaking all the links.  One will need to realize the persona that you have become due to your past experiences, situations, and traumas to start the search.  For an example if you are the persona that desires to be the type of person that is the “helper” or the “problem solver” for others, this persona is developed as a security blanket that covers our own trauma(s) so we don’t have to face them in the present.  It is easier for wanting others to look up to us in thankful way for guiding and assisting them all the while our inner world (mentally and physically) is actually loosing it’s core foundation.  Giving the feeling of being in a whirlwind as we pride ourselves in assisting and guiding others yet our own pain keeps receiving band-aids.  Those that keep making themselves to be the “guardian” for others is a form of “self-sabotaging” for that chain feels as though it’s getting tighter so our memories won’t escape that perfect bubble that was self created to keep away from that crucial painful memory and emotions.

As babies we start having our innate personality traits then as our history starts adding in the life experiences then that innate personality starts changing to accommodate and control those traumatic or hurtful parts of our life that we have lived through.  There are no exceptions to this rule for every human being goes through some type of trauma for perfection does not exist only in the heavens (for this is even mentioned in the Bible old and new) or spiritual dimensions whichever belief you may have. It can not and will never occur, this is why successful people have the mentally of  “tthere is no better time then the Present for the Perfect Time does not really exist ”.  There is no perfect or the right time for you make the decision on “when” that timeframe needs to be!  If you keep waiting for it to appear then you have just settled which is fine as long as this is what your main priority actually is.  For myself I focus on the fact of not to leave what I am able to accomplish today for tomorrow because none of us are guaranteed the “tomorrows” only the present moment.  This is were regrets come to play in our lives and unfortunately in our society, it is a higher percentage number then those that have lived with no regrets.  If you are happy with the life that you have lived if you were told that today is your last day, then you know that you are happy with the bumps in your path.  If you are waiting for that happiness tomorrow then re-evaluate your life as soon as possible for if not life will force you to re-direct it!  In my profession, actually even before then, the different stories and journeys people have told me they went through started making me realize that we all have had hardships and emotional pain.  This is when the patterns started to become clearer to me and we are not different at all as humans no matter our origins, for the experiences and traumas are very similar.  

The past can be a hard task for most of us and for those of us that have the characteristics of being a procrastinator this journey will take longer unless we force ourselves to work on this project.  If you have time-management issues you have some form of procrastination but if you have that chain wrapped around you then this self-work will continue to be put off for even years to come which ends up putting your life on “hold” so here will come the “regrets”.  When time continues to fly by it feels as your goals and dreams just keep being shoved to the side, due that your fear(s) keeps rising to pull you back into that misery or despair.  What is amazing to me is that the more we focus on the technical aspects of our world the further we get to focus on our productivity on our self-work, then we can’t realize why that actual argument occurred and why we our feeling lost and in despair.  Then going back to the analogy of the water leaks, the longer we take in recognizing where the leaks are in our life the body will start to deteriorate and this is were diseases and imbalances in the body start to occur.  This will create even more problems and/or situations that also now needs fixing, hint; more like the water leaks the sooner you repair it you avoid other problems from occurring.  

The journey does start with recognition, then comes the baby steps which can start to take place by searching the questions that one needs to ask.  This is where “spiritual consultations or readings” can start the engine for you but remember they are not the “answers” to your situations or problems it is only the start.  This is when you have to decide which road you will need to take, for some can do the self-work on their own but if you are one that has the “procrastination” problem then be honest with yourself (which I was not) you will only waste money and time going that route.  The life lessons will continue to come and they become harder and harder, so as Oprah mentioned in one of her Talk Shows; “Life will send you a like a feather sign that you are not heading in the right path, if you don't get it then it will send you a stronger sign and if you still don’t get it it will lead you to the brick wall.”  This is not word for word but it is similar to what she said and it did get in my memory bank which it did help but I still didn’t listen so I did hit the brick wall.  This has been a very hard journey for me and this chain is still tied to my neck, but my search and journey is working and some pieces I have been able to recover but there is one that am finding the hardest hurdle to cross.  The one step that helped me was working on letting go of the past and the “what ifs” we can’t fix the past only learn from them, we can only live the present and plan for the future.  There is not only one style of  “Master Key” to unlock the security lock (on those questions that one seeks) there are many different styles so you need to find the one that you respond too.  The most important factor is the sooner you solve your problem(s) the easier and the fewer leaks you will have in your Life!

Maria Elena Padron

Ordained Minister, LMT, Reiki Master, Reader/Consultant and Life Coach

If you have questions, concerns and/or comments feel free to contact me at; mariawellness@ymail.com

Many blessings and love